Lawn Gnomes

Ok, so this post isn't ACTUALLY about lawn gnomes, but it is about the light-up deer that many people have on their lawns for Christmas. Let me tell you what went through my head last night when I saw one of those things. Maybe I have seen too many horror movies...

I saw one of those deer with the moving heads (you know, it goes slowly side to side), and I half expected the head to just keep turning in a full circle before throwing up pea soup. Then, the lights near the eyes would light up red and the deer would start screaming, "Do you know what you DID? Santa Claus is NOT going to be happy." in that horrible Exorcist voice. Then, it would come to life like the hedges in The Shining and hunt me down until it can either trample me to death or electrocute me before turning carnivore and gnawing on my legs.

Yeah, I have a vivid (and scary) imagination.

S-PAN-YOL

I hope that Michael forgives me for this post :)

Last night, after attending the annual White Elephant, Pink Taco party at Terri and Alicia's place, and briefly stopping over at the Athey house to wish Kathi a happy birthday and watch Shaine and Kevin open presents, Mike and I went over to my place. We spent some time reading the Book of Mormon, and since I had left my other English copy somewhere, I was reading in Spanish while he read in English. After we were done, this led to me pulling out my Spanish-English dictionary as well as the October 2001 copy of the Liahona in Spanish (which I have because the elders on the cover were the Barcelona mission APs).

Now, Michael has told me that his Puerto Rican companion complimented him on his pronunciation while he was on his mission. I, however, was NOT as generous. Hearing Mike read Spanish was one of the funniest things I have heard in awhile. Partially because he was reading the names in Spanglish and (please forgive my vernacular) sounded semi-retarded, he was inserting and removing letters from words, and partially because he was emphasizing the wrong syllable. Yes, Elias, which is pronounced A-lee-ahs in Spanish was still Elias. Setenta became sententa, and, had we gotten there, I am sure that teLEfono would have become teleFOno. We were laughing so hard that Lisa could hear us all the way in her room with the door closed. Bless his heart, he was trying, but he clearly did not serve a Spanish-speaking mission. Maybe someday...

Idiot drivers

So, yesterday, traffic was AWFUL! Driving from Dublin to Walnut Creek in the morning, the carpool lane hours are 5am - 9am, and I am convinced that the mere presence of the carpool lane makes traffic in the other three lanes go slower. Part of this is caused because people DO NOT know how to merge or change lanes. The common driver thinks that merging means going as fast as you can for as long as you can (i.e. until the lane you are in turns into an exit only, or you see your exit 100 yards ahead and you're in the carpool lane), and then forcing your way into a spot barely bigger than your car while simultaneously slamming on your brakes. If you drive this corridor during commute hours, please watch for this phenomenon between Sycamore and El Cerro. Seriously. Changing lines like this, of course, causes the car you have just cut off to slam on his brakes, since he was probably already tailgating, and creates a ripple effect for the next three hours, turning the once 65-mph freeway into a glorified parking lot. In the worst case scenario, it causes an accident.

The annoying part of all this is that the people who are responsible for the three "regular" lanes slowing down (namely carpools), get to keep driving fast because they have their own stinkin' lane. Sometimes, when I am sitting alone in my car, I think, "there probably isn't a cop, I should just pass a few people and then get back over." I never do this because the minimum fine is $381, and it just doesn't seem worth it to get to work a few minutes early. There are people who think it's worth the risk, and it is SOOO irritating to see them get away with riding solo in the carpool lane day after day. So, yesterday, as I am watching these carpools (and some non-carpools) speed past me, I also notice a motorcycle CHP officer get on the freeway. He pulls immediately into the carpool lane and totally busts this DB in a Mustang. I smiled smugly to myself and thought, "HA! That's why I don't take the chance, and I hope he fines you the max and that you aren't wearing your seatbelt." It was seriously so gratifying to see the highway patrol get someone. Now if only they would fine the people who get in fender benders in the second lane and then get out of their cars in the middle of traffic...

Blogging GOLD

It's almost Christmas, and that means that many stores (both retail and online) are sending out catalogs. The Athey family received a catalog last night. This catalog claimed to be "the most important gift catalog in the world." What was it, you ask? Why, it was none other than the Heifer International Catalog.

Yes friends, instead of showering your loved ones with clothes, gift cards, and all sorts of other things they don't really need, you can donate the fabulous gift of a heifer to a family in need in Mongolia. That doesn't float your boat? The catalog suggests that instead of giving your mom a pig-themed gift (because apparently their squishy faces make moms go weak at the knees), you should give the gift of a pig to a needy family in Kosovo, for the low price of $120. If you are feeling totally generous, you can give the ARK, which is bees, guinea pigs, water buffalo, and on and on. That's right...for only $5,000 you can piss off your mom. Just tell her that it went to someone who needed it more than she did.

Or, if you are attending a wedding reception, just say, "Well Becky [or your friend's name], I was going to get you that vegetable steamer you wanted, but since your dad's coworker already got it for you, I instead donated some rabbits to a family in Africa. Rabbits are, after all, the gift that just keeps on giving...especially if you don't keep them in separate cages."

You should go to their website immediately and donate something; remember, your loved ones will TOTALLY appreciate it.

Vertigo

So, I have been experiencing on-and-off vertigo for the past couple days, which my mother pointed out, is probably being caused by my sinuses. Anyway, I was working up in Sacramento yesterday and it started again, and just kept going. I felt like I had just stepped off the teacups at Disneyland (except it wasn't as fun). Needless to say, this made me slightly nervous for the 90-mile drive home. So, since I had already been texting them, I asked Mike and Shaine if they could coordinate something in order to come get me and have one of them drive my car home. They were both more than willing to help (another indication of their utter fabulousness).

What ended up happening is that Mike got to take his first Amtrak trip EVER. He came up on the commuter train and rescued me from having to stay in Sac overnight with no clean clothes, and he helped me carry my 6 binders to the car. We had a fun little adventure on the Sacramento freeways and he even made sure I ate something.

I hope this vertigo passes soon, but it's nice to know that the peeps are lookin' out for me. You guys ROCK!

More cheese (courtesy of a song) ahead:

Somebody by Depeche Mode

(I substituted he where the original word was she, you know, since I am a girl, I like men....well, one man in particular)

I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who'll stand by side
And give me support
And in return
He'll get my support
He will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
He'll hear me out
And won't easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact, he'll often disagree
But at the end of it all
He will understand me

I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought
And with every breath
Someone who'll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like
I don't want to be tied
To anyones strings
I'm carefully trying
To steer clear of those things
But when I'm asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly

Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
I'll get away with it
(And in a place like this I'll get away with it)...this was added when they sang the song live

What would I rather be doing...?

Seeing snow on the low lying hills of the Bay Area today put me in the mood for...


I need a buddy to go with me sometime in the next few months. Any volunteers???

Poor cat....

All I have to say is....seriously???


see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Was this a promotional stunt or is this cat's owner just THAT cruel? ROFL!

Caution: cheese ahead

I am blogging from an airplane somewhere east of SF and west of Yosemite. Why? Because I can, and because I have something to say: I missed my little cupcake for the 48 hours I was away. Yes, as Terri says, [I am] so far gone." I missed his smell, his smile, his silly little dances he does when he's happy, the way he twitches when he's asleep. I missed his obnoxiousness when he's annoyed and his quietness when he is at ease. Yep, feel free to grab the nearest barf bag.

Saturday Surprises

So, Saturday I had to run errands, do chores, you know...boring "grown-up" stuff. I started early and ended up at home around 2. After that, I was planning on spending the afternoon with Mike doing some laundry and generally being silly.

At 2:30, Mike comes over, and while I am folding laundry tells me that I need to be ready to go by 3:00. Needless to say, I was surprised, since I still had at least 2 more loads to do and he had not previously mentioned us going anywhere. Also, the only makeup I had on at this point was some mascara, and I was still in my comfy "house" clothes. But, he tells me to dress warmly, so I managed to throw myself together pretty quickly, and when I look at the clock, it's 3:02.

So, I grab a jacket, a hat, a scarf and my Jack Skellington gloves, as well as some road snacks (since all I'd eaten up to that point was some yogurt), and we head out to Mike's car. He still refuses to tell me where we're going, but I have my suspicions, which were confirmed an hour and a half later when we arrive at Ocean Beach. I had mentioned to Mike earlier last week that I wanted to go watch the sun set over the ocean, and now I was getting my wish.

But, not only was I going to get to watch the sun set; I was getting a fun, romantic dinner on the beach. Mike brought blankets, hot chocolate, and foil wrapped food to cook on the fire for us to enjoy. It was a fantastic surprise, and the food was good. It was also fun to be bundled up so much I looked like a marshmellow and to drink steaming hot chocolate. YUM!

So, we hung at the beach for a little over an hour before we couldn't take the cold anymore, and then we got in the car and headed back. I was thinking, "oh, we can go in the hot tub; it's chilly outside and that would feel nice", but Mike still had one more trick up his sleeve. He says to me, "Okay, you have a choice. We can either go to your house and get some movie snacks, then go see Twilight (meaning New Moon of course), or we go straight to see Twilight." I was pleasantly surprised, because he hasn't read any of the books, and I hadn't expected to see it before Wednesday.

So, after a brief stop to pick up some goodies for the movie, we headed over to the theater to join the teeming masses. I really enjoyed the movie, and the entire afternoon and night in general. So, even though he doesn't read my blog: Thank you cupcake for a taking me on such a great date!

Hidden messages...

I have taped up a few fortunes I've found entertaining here at the office. The best one I've ever gotten says, "The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well." If you think real hard about it, it probably means that there are NO normal people, but I prefer to think that I just don't know any of these supposedly normal people. Life's much more interesting when you're strange - seriously.

I also get little messages inside the Dove chocolates I buy. One of them said, "try something new this weekend." Okay, like what? I am fairly adventurous, and I have tried a lot of things. Any suggestions?

These messages also got me thinking about who really writes them? Is it some 5 year old kid in Chine being paid 50 cents a day? Maybe a 90-year-old woman in Fargo, North Dakota...dontcha know?

And what would happen if that person was having a REALLY bad day when they were thinking of new things to put on their packaging? Would I open a delicious caramel filled Dove only to find the message "It's only going to be downhill from here" or "It's all a lie." And what if they were feeling violent? Would I get the message, "Guns rule"? I suppose they could have a great sense of humor and try to creep me out by putting "We're watching you." on the package. Sorta reminds me of the label on my roommates sweater that says have fun washing! What is that supposed to mean? Is it a threat? Is it a promise? Or is it just their way of saying that you can wash it however you want?

Leave it to the Canadians to show us the way...

I'm sorry, I didn't catch that....

Voice activated phone systems make me crazy. Here are just a couple of the many reasons for this:

1. Are you listening to me?? If you've ever called 511 here in the Bay Area to get traffic information, you know that the" guy" tells you that you can begin speaking at any time. However, I don't really want to speak over him, partially because I feel like I'm interrupting (I know it's not actually a person, but still...); the other reason is because I don't think the system can hear me because the system is "talking." Most people can't be simultaneously listening and yammering, so I feel like this is a reasonable assumption.

2. I am enunciating the best I can. I really dislike telling the system what I want and having it think I said something different. One time, I pushed the voice dial button on my cell and said, "Call John Cropper" (this is my boss). My phone says back to me, "Did you say call John Weber?" No, I didn't you stupid piece of technological crap! Or when I say, "Call Terri Nocco" it thinks I said "Call Irene work." Seriously, what the heck?!

Or, I will again call 511 and say "680 south" and the man says, "I'm sorry, I didn't catch that" or, even better, "I heard interstate 80 west, is that right." SO annoying!

3. "Talk to customer service" Many times, these voice systems work well, however, many times they only serve to send me into an escalating cycle of screaming into the phone. At this point, I feel bad for the live person on the other end when I yell, "speak to a customer service representative" only to have the system force me to tell it WHY I would DARE ask to speak to a breathing human being.

Oh yes, all this technology is supposed to make my life better. Does it? "I'm sorry, I didn't catch that."

Why you shouldn't cook distracted

So, I turned on the pot of water to boil my artichoke, and then noticed the Comcast bill on the counter and remembered that I needed to call them regarding some charges. As I am on the phone to them, I turn to my right and notice an unusually tall flame reflecting in the backsplash, so I quickly hangup and turn my attention to this flame.

What's on fire? The plastic splatter cover we use in the microwave...so I dump baking soda all over it, and hence we have...

The BEST part of this whole story is that the smoke detector, which goes off when we bake cookies, didn't make a peep.

Only at BYU...

So, I just love reading the Police Beat in the BYU Daily Universe. In Provo, people call the police to report suspicious characters:

Oct. 10 A man was riding a bike near the WSC late at night while wearing sunglasses. Students found it suspicious that the man was wearing glasses at night and called the police. Officers could not locate the suspect.

Oct. 13 A suspicious man was reported outside Heritage Halls. A male was standing outside Young Hall at 2 a.m. when officers arrived. The male turned out to be a resident of Young Hall who said he was “just enjoying the night.”

Oct. 17 A suspicious man was sighted by the Tanner building at 8 p.m. The caller reported the man suspicious because he was dressed in all black. Officers were unable to find the black-clothed man.

Sometimes students, employees, or just stupid EFY kids misbehave:

October 23: A call was received at 4 a.m. from Heritage Halls reporting five students arguing about a laser pointer. The students were shining the laser into the eyes of people driving and students walking by. The students with the laser pointer were informed about the dangers of laser pointers and given warnings.

July 22: A report was made of someone driving on the grass at Helaman Halls. A description of the truck was given and an officer was dispatched. The officer stopped the truck and the driver said he did not remember if he drove on the grass. The driver then told the officer he could not lie and that he was guilty of driving on the grass. The driver was given a warning.

June 16: Someone reported seeing a man in the stadium with a rifle. The police responded and found out it was a grounds employee sent to eliminate pigeons with a pellet gun. Officers stopped him. The man was not able to shoot any pigeons.

June 3: An EFY counselor thought he could smell marijuana in Gates Hall around 11 p.m. He found three EFY participants smoking marijuana in the stairwell. Police said the juveniles will be charged.

And of course, there are the occasional incidents involving animals:

June 20: A stray cat fell into a mechanical well and couldn’t get out. Officers responded and rescued the cat.
July 4: An owl was found in the former president’s home. An officer communicated with the owl and it left.

September 17

A caller reported there was an injured duck in the intersection of East Campus Drive and 1060 North. An officer arrived and took custody of the duck, gently removing it from the road. The officer called Provo Animal Control and they came and picked up the animal.

Oct. 11 Several female students left their apartment for 30 minutes to attend ward prayer. When they returned to their apartment, they found a severed elk head on their kitchen table. The suspects could not be identified and the elk was disposed of at the materials handling building. (As a note, I would also call the police on this one...right after I finished screaming.)

Halloween, Part 2

Saturday was Halloween, and it was relatively low key. I woke up early, thanks in large part to the extremely courteous dog who started barking at 8am and was still going strong at 8:30. I ran some errands (grocery store, bank, post office, car wash, etc.) and then came home.

Mike came over around 2 and surprised me with a gluten-free pumpkin pie (which was SO good, btw). He then spent the next half an hour dancing around gleefully decorating. My apartment looked like the fall fairy had whipped through there. It did provide some nice Halloween ambiance for an otherwise sunny and beautiful California day.

First on our "Halloween movie marathon" was The Nightmare Before Christmas, a movie I love and quote frequently. I sang along for most of it, but then fell asleep for about 20 minutes during Jack's present deliveries. When that was over, Mike got up to make us pizza (on gluten-free crust of course) with fresh tomatoes and mozzarella. Michelle also decided to join us for the next two movies.

WE watched I am Legend and the original Halloween, which I had DVR'd and neither of them had ever seen. Sure, by today's standards it's not anything fancy, but there is something disturbing about a man who doesn't speak, never moves faster than about half a mile an hour, is insanely strong, and has had no compunction about killing since he was 6-years old.

After the movie marathon, we cleaned up and went to visit Mike's sister, who was housesitting two large and extremely fuzzy dogs. I gave one of them the nickname Demon Dog because his one blue eye glowed red in the dark.

Lastly, we went over to Mike's and watched Prom Night, during which, I fell asleep. Yeah, it was THAT good.

Overall, Halloween was mellow, but fun. We only had one group of trick-or-treaters, and so I have leftover candy :)

Halloween, Part 1

It has come to my attention that I have been woefully slow in posting a new blog. People ask, "What's new?" and quite frankly, I don't think life is that exciting, I get up, I go to work, I come home, I do errands, yadda yadda yadda. That being said, there has been some fun stuff going on.

A couple of friends had a great Halloween party at their house last weekend. Since I didn't feel all that great, I went in my own clothes and told everyone I was the HBIC (if you don't know what that means, perhaps it's better that way) :) Here a couple photos:


Me, Gabe, and Alicia (before her costume exploded)


Michelle and I after Jed and I won a flawless victory in the silly-string necklace challenge!

Because it isn't a party until you tie your oldest friends and your boyfriend up.

For kicks and GIGGLES

I thought I would share a few clips with you that make me laugh. Some are funnier at 1am with a group of really tired people, and others are just FUNNY! Enjoy!!!

I must have a thing....

Can someone please explain why I have all these pictures with giant animals? These are only a couple of them....




and, per Shaine, this one also qualifies as a picture with an animal...

Acting the fool

So, if you know me AT ALL, you know that I love dancing. So much so, that at this very moment, I am at work with my iPod listening to...wait for it...Britney Spears...and dancing in my chair. Good thing my boss can't see around the wall because I probably look like an idiot. But that's okay...I am getting my work done and having a great time.

And now for something more serious...

I got a call yesterday from the doctor's office telling me that my bloodwork came back positive for Celiac's disease. My initial reaction was depression: I can no longer eat regular pizza, Oreos, sourdough bread, even regular soy sauce... However, I am pleased to report that I can still eat popcorn, most chocolate, and diet soda.

On the positive side, having this diagnosis explains a lot of the other chronic problems that have plagued me: the headaches, anemia, joint pain, etc. If I can take care of this one medical issue, a lot of the other symptoms I am experiencing may ease up. And, of course, I thought that you, friends, might be interested in periodic progress reports on how my new diet is affecting me, and reviews of some of the fun (and not so fun) foods that I am now incorporating into my diet.

So, here it is, the first FULL day of me eliminating gluten from my diet. Me and fresh fruits and vegetables are going to become very good friends really fast. Nectarines, bananas, carrots, strawberries, etc. are all healthy snacks that will be replacing unhealthy snacks in my diet. Again, this is good news; eating healthier is just, well, healthier! Also, I suppose I should be grateful that I have Celiac's and not cancer. A cancer patient can't get rid of cancerous cells and symptoms merely by changing what they eat.

I started the day with gluten-free cinnamon raisin bread with a little butter on it, which was surprisingly good . The sandwich bread, on the other hand, was highly disturbing, thus prompting me to call my mother immediately after lunch to ask if she would be willing to give me the bread maker for an extended period of time. Yes, I think anything I make will taste better than the $7.50/loaf cardboard that Glutino is trying to pass off as bread. I will eat the whole loaf, however, again, because it cost so much.

I can't wait to try cooking with gluten-free products, of which there are plenty. Just about everything available with gluten is available without, including pancake mix, pasta, cereal (including one which is named Leapin' Lemurs Chocolate and Peanut Butter Puffs), and of course, bread. I will keep you informed of successes, failures, and amusing incidents in the days and weeks ahead.

Truckers

I've heard that back in the '50s, truckers were the "knights of the road." Now, I don't want to make any sweeping generalizations, because I am sure that there are a lot of truckers out there who are great, but there are a lot who aren't as well. It really irks me when I see some chain-smoking, texting-while-driving, beer-belly trucker who is driving his rig like it's a Geo Metro. I don't hold a class A license, but even I know that it's a recipe for disaster when these truckers are following 20 feet behind you in commute traffic with a Marlboro in their left hand and a CB in their right. Hello! You aren't driving a Smart car! You are driving a multi-ton tractor with a trailer attached! You have at least 16 wheels! Look - some of your tire tread is about to fly off, come through my windshield and maim me for life!

I'm just saying to pay more attention and think about what you are doing when you are behind the wheel. The same applies to drivers of all types of vehicles, but at least when the driver of the Geo Metro loses control or rear-ends me, it will be HIS car that gets jacked more than mine.

Naps - grownups need them

Part of being a child is that you get to take naps. Babies get naps, and they still get to sleep a lot of the night (if their parents are lucky). Preschoolers have nap time, kindergartners only go to school half a day and a lot of them take naps. Heck, when I was in high school, I would come home after school and take a 2 hour nap and then still go to bed around 10:30. I was so well rested. Now, I am grown up and have an 8:30 - 5 job and there is no TIME for naps. It's very disappointing because I feel more tired now, but don't necessarily want to go to bed at 10pm just to get my FULL 8 hours in. I will force myself to be in bed by 11, despite the great desire I have to stay up because I know if I don't get close to 8 hours, I will be a slobbering mess the next day. Nope - I just cannot function well.

I think employers should allow their employees an hour to an hour and a half for a nap in the middle of the day. However, I realize that I am American, and we tend to overwork ourselves, so this is probably not going to happen. Just imagine how productive we could be though if we were all well rested both physically and mentally. It would be amazing. Sadly, I think my dream of a national nap hour is not to come to pass, so in the meantime, you can all do what I did today: eat your lunch at your desk and then use your lunch hour to take a nap in the back of your car.

Cold

If you know me, you will most likely know that I am almost cold. I am not sure why this is...my fingers and my toes often feel as though they are about to fall off. I have some guy friends who like me to put my frozen appendages on the back of their necks because they think it feels good, and I am incredibly grateful for that, because usually the back of their necks are toasty warm.

Last night in class, the thermostat was having some sort of conniption fit. It was spazzing from what I could see from 72 up to 74 degrees, but I think the air blowing out of the vents was about 50 degrees. To give you an idea of how cold it was in the room, the outside temperature was nearly 100 degrees and someone had propped the door open to LET THE HOT AIR IN. Hence, my foresight to bring a jacket paid off.

*shudder*

I went to the doctor this morning, and I'm just gonna say it: I hate needles. They don't scare me per se, but the thought that there is some sharp object either injecting something into me (such as the flu shot I got), or taking blood out of me is just disturbing. I used to be able to watch the phlebotomists take my blood, but OH NO...not anymore. Apparently, I am getting MORE squeamish in my old age instead of less. Many respects to the fine men and women who choose phlebotomy as their profession: you are a necessary addition to the medical profession, and not only must you have nerves of steel, but you probably also have cast iron stomachs.

College...so much better

So, I just have to give a big shout out to Professor Susich who has graciously given me permission NOT to come to class, and to email him my homework. Yes, this is why college is good - there is flexibility. This man understands that I am taking it upon myself to be responsible for keeping up with the reading and the homework, and that the only time he will see my face is when we have tests. Now, I can use the time I WOULD be in class to study, instead of adding it on top of my already hectic schedule.

It's the small victories

So, I was driving to work this morning in bumper-to-bumper traffic, and suddenly the driver of the car in front of me starts "raising the roof" in his car. That put a smile on my face, because, let's face it; I have no idea why he was so happy, but since we are powerless to do anything about the traffic, any sort of victorious or fabulous moment we can enjoy while stuck in it is awesome.

Time to go shopping!

You know it's time to buy smaller pants when your friend looks at you as you're walking away and says, "You're right. You do have doody pants. You look like you could smuggle something in there."

Men and multitasking

Just a quick note, since I am working.

A couple weeks ago, I spent half an hour trying to get my Outlook to send three emails with attachments totaling about 22mb. Needless to say, it didn't work. Keep in mind that on this particular day, I worked from 7am - 5pm with no break, and this was THE LAST HALF HOUR of my day. After my computer crashed, I rebooted, and my Outlook still would not send this file, I finally just saved the files to the work server. Then, I rescanned the entire 78 page file into a super compressed PDF (3 mb) and tried to send, and was still unsuccessful.

I approached my boss' desk and asked if he could just retrieve the 3 mb file from the server and send it, since I had been at work for a long time and was tired. His reply was, "Why are you dumping this on me? I'm on the phone!" Okay - he was on the phone to his dad, and I had just worked 10 hours with no break and spent half an hour fighting technology!!!! I basically told him that and then left.

FF to today - I am working on importing some data into excel which is necessary for me to do this report. My boss approaches me repeatedly and asks me to various things such as checking to see if we received all the confirmations for one of our clients, to print our own books out, etc. Finally, he asks me to print a something, and I say, "Do you remember how flustered you got when I asked you to send an email and you were just talking on the phone?" That was the end of interrupting me today.

I will happily multitask, with the caveat that you place things in a neat and orderly fashion on my desk. Do not "yell" at me from across the office, do not assume that I am not working on anything. Stand up, come in here, and put whatever it is you want done in my inbox with simple instructions and then walk away. And, for heaven's sake, don't get all wigged out when I ask you to do 2 simple things at once. You ask me all day, and I don't freak, do I?

It's about that time

Well, dear readers, it's about that time. You know what I'm talking about, right? That time when yours truly will be fighting to keep her head from exploding. Yes, you guessed it - school starts this week for me.

I have such a kind and understanding boss who generously pays for my education, since I am trying to get the accounting and business credits I need to sit (eventually) for the CPA exam. Now, he's not a moron; he waits until I pass the class with a "B" or better before reimbursing me for tuition and books. My tuition is quite inexpensive, all things considered. However, my boss also says things to me like, "I don't want to hear you whining about how you have class." Why would someone so kind say such a thing to me? Oh, yeah, that's right - because we also happen to be in the middle of our June 30th year-end busy season.

For the next 3 months, my life is going to consist of working probably close to 50 hours a week while simultaneously taking 6 credits worth of classes. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, I will be IN class from 6:30 until 10pm. I will also become uber organized as I try to compartmentalize my life. I must leave work at work, focus on school while I am there, and set aside specific time for homework.

Shaine and I have decided to make Wednesday nights "homework night," and hopefully, we will actually get some homework done. Undoubtedly there will be wedding talk (both hers and Becky's) and, possibly some SYTYCD (since that starts this week as well), but that's it. Homework MUST GET DONE!

I hope to not neglect my blog during this time, and who knows...perhaps some of the interactions with other students will provide fodder for some fabulously amusing posts!

Colon Magic!

First, a blurb from the news:

A Mind of Its Own - Columbia professor Dr. Michael Gershon definitily demonstrated our intestines autonomy when he performed a classic experiment on a guinea pig colon. After surgically removing the colon from the guinea pig, he showed how a pellet placed at one end caused coordinated colonic contractions that quickly resulted in expulsion of the pellet from the other end.

I don't know how many of you just had the same thought I did: this is AWESOME! We can totally manufacture semi-automatic, feces firing weapons from colons! Your enemies will run in terror as you lift your poo pistol and start pelting them with round after round of offal.

Getting Over It

You raise me and you crush me
You listen while you ignore me
You pull me while you push away
You smile as you hurt me

With you there is and was
No wall around my heart
And when things got serious
Logic overtook emotion

Did I or can I
Hurt you at all?
I ask myself if it was
All a show for me

I pull you while I push you away
I want you and I can't stand you
I trust you but I don't think
I should confide in you

You heard before
That something is better than nothing
But can I handle only that something
Or am I all or nothing?

Sound advice you gave me
Which I will try to follow
Because you're no longer
Mine to lose.

Thank you Darren Hayes for saying it so well

EGO

Written by Darren Hayes / Robert Conley

I have been contemplating letting go
Of you ego
Thought I'd let you know
You're getting old

It was so irritating saving face
When I fell from grace
Thought you would erase
Without a trace
But you stayed
But you remained
But you
It's always about you

I have been quietly edging away
To keep the flames at bay
Make this puppy stay
To limit my use of
Personal pronouns are the death of me
See I just said "me"
You're an endless sea of vanity
It's all for you babe
For you babe
For you
It's always about you

I have been silently taking offense
And at great expense
As my feelings dent
I'm licking my scratches
It serves no purpose doesn't gratify
And you're dissatisfied
And though your belly's full
There's always more room for you babe
For you babe
For you
It's always about you

Finding a Job, part one

Okay folks, it's time once again for one of those blogs about why being an adult is less than satisfactory. This time I would like to talk about finding gainful employement. I touched on this in my blog on life after graduation, but this time I will focus solely on the actual process of looking for suitable work. This process has become exponentially more difficult given the current double-digit unemployment figures.

When you go to look for a job, a variety of resources are available to you: newspaper classifieds, internet sites such as Monster.com, maybe even a headhunter.

If you choose to use a web site to look for a job, you will build your resume, post it to the website, and will begin to get emails from companies who are interested in you. Unfortunately for you, all of those companies will be companies that want to offer you a fabulous job as a telemarketer or a pest control salesperson. Who cares if you have a PhD in electrical engineering; you'd make a great customer service representative!

You may also find companies and push your resume through to them either on a mass job-search site or their own company website. Your resume will go in, and you soon find, be sucked into what I have affectionately dubbed "The Human Resources black hole." You will observe this phenomenon in action when you NEVER hear back about any of the jobs you apply for.

If you are lucky, you will hear from a company that you actually WANT to work for. Of course, keep in mind that 300 other people are also applying for the same job. The company wants to get the most qualified person for the cheapest amount of money. You, on the other hand, are totally OVER qualified, and therefore want an obscene amount of money.

When you go in for the interview, you'll want to make sure you dress appropriately. I trust that you will know not to wear a suit for an interview at Starbucks, nor do you want to wear jeans to interview for your first job out of law school. And, for crying out loud, wear something that covers your 5 tattoos! Let the boss see those AFTER he's already hired you.

More to come soon....

Independently wealthy

I often dream of what life would be like if I were independently wealthy. Currently, I work more than 40 hours a week and take 6 credits of class (which is considered half-time). I do this in an effort to make more money. Seriously. AS I stated before, I am an accountant with a degree in psychology. I make a good amount, but if I can sit for the CPA exam, I can increase my earning potential. However, if I was independently wealthy (a la Paris Hilton or the royal family), oh, the places I would go (shout out to my man Dr. Seuss)! Here are a few of the things I would do with my non-existent millions:

1. Travel. I want to see it ALL - I want to see the coriolis effect on the other side of the equator, I want to stay at the most expensive hotel I can find in Dubai. Deadly species...Australia here I come! 90-day cruise that costs 6 figures? Chump change!

2. Quit my job. Oh, don't give me that look - you know you would too. Long hours at the office working for THE MAN? OVER IT!

3. Take college courses FOR FUN! I want to learn so many languages it is ridiculous. I am currently fluent in English (of course) and Spanish, and can get by using ASL. I want to learn Italian so I can talk to Sara; German so I can talk to Lisa and Lyndy; Mandarin just because I think it would be awesome; and any other language I could squeeze in my brain. SO fun! Plus, I would love to enroll in some culinary arts classes, maybe get a second degree in marine biology. With all the time and money I would have on my hands, no one could stop me!

4. Buy a house. Those of you who live in the Bay Area know how little house you get for your money here. I don't even care how big this house is, as long as it's in a nice neighborhood, and is mine. It's a good goal, right? Of course, if I was independently wealthy, perhaps I could buy something obscenely large and throw fantastic parties. Who cares if my mortgage is $30,000 every month, or if there are starving children in Africa who could use my money? Remember, there's always more where that came from!

5. Help my parents retire. Seriously...you've worked for enough years. Sell your house and go RVing for awhile. When you're done, call me, and we'll get you set up in a house somewhere nice (please not Utah) close to your non-existent grandkids.

Oh yes, the myriad of things I could do if I had tons of dough. I am sure you can think of things you'd like to do too. But, wait....let's recall the horrible reverse culture shock I had when I came home after a year and half in Spain. I looked around and thought, "Americans are the most greedy, ungrateful people on this planet." When analyzing what I have through the American lens, it may not seem like much, but if you look at it through a global perspective, I truly am blessed.

I live in a gorgeous condo with two fabulous roommates. My friends (that's you) are the most incredible people, and I hope they will continue to put up with me. I own a car, I HAVE a job (which 12% of Californians cannot claim at the time of this posting), I have health insurance, and most of all I have my faith. So, despite the fact that, for now, I can't do all the selfish things I want to do, I consider myself a lucky, lucky woman. To all of you: count the blessings you have, and focus on the positive. Be happy that you have the things you need, and don't focus on all the things you want that you can't afford. MONEY AND POSSESSIONS WILL NEVER MAKE YOU HAPPY, AND HAVING AN "I'LL BE HAPPY WHEN..." ATTITUDE WILL LEAVE WITH A BUNCH OF EMPTY YESTERDAYS. So, as Bobby McFerrin said, "Don't worry; be happy."

-K

A note to my readers (all 2 of you) :)

Hello friends. As you can probably tell by my first blog post, I have a lot to say. I will try to update my blog as often as possible by sharing with you things I have learned throughout my life, sprinkled with my own special brand of wit and wisdom. I hope that some of you, if you haven't kept up with my that well, will gain more insight into my slightly twisted mind, and even if you have, that you will still find my musings somewhat entertaining if nothing else. Some of my blogs will be about why being a grown up sorta sucks, and others will just be about what's happening in my life. Now, I do not claim to have the most exciting and glamorous life, but it is my life, and as Shaine once told me, "If it's not a good time, it's a good story."

Post College Life

When you are a kid, you don’t work; at least until you’re 15 and your parents tell you that “if you want to see that movie (concert, Disney on Ice, monster truck rally, etc.), you’re going to have to pay for it yourself.” Pay for it myself? HA! That means…..you have to get a job. Usually, when you are a kid (high school age), this job consists of renting videos to jerks who don’t understand that they come out on Tuesdays, or delivering papers to jerks who have their sprinklers set to come on right as you’re walking up to put the paper on their doorstep. But this is all just child’s play when it comes to post graduation (high school or college) work. Oh yes.

Once you have graduated with your 5^th master’s degree in ancient roman philosophy, get ready for 50 years of indentured servitude to THE MAN. Yep, that’s right: THE MAN. You know who THE MAN is: that fat guy in a $3,000 suit smoking a Cuban cigar in his corner office overlooking Central Park. And who are you? You, of course, are the peon. That is pronounced pee on, and I think it’s because that is pretty much what THE MAN does to you…remember it flows downhill. All THE MAN cares about is that you have a degree in something, even if it is ancient roman philosophy.

Let me tell you about my post college experience: I got a BS in Psychology from Brigham Young University. I thought about going into a Master’s program at Cal State Hayward in Child Psychology; I even scored an interview with the department chair. I was rejected for the program, but upon further contemplation I was relieved at this rejection: did I really want to sit and listen to people complain all day, especially kids? I have enough problems of my own: I don’t really want to get paid to listen to other people’s issues.

Step 1 of many people’s post college experience begins with a horrible, horrible thing: moving back in with your parents. Why do we do this? Because, while college has filled our minds with many interesting, albeit useless, facts, no one pays us to go, and so we have no money for rent. Our parents begrudgingly take us back in, and we go just as begrudgingly, because we know, that even if we are 50 years old, we are still our parents’ child, and they are going to treat us as such. After having lived on your own for four years, you do not want your mom telling you that there are starving children in Ethiopia who would gladly eat those brussel sprouts.

Now, once you are all settled down with mommy and daddy again, you decide that you cannot stay there for long, so you need a job. The best part of this is that your parents have decided the same thing, and they will hound you everyday about getting a job. They will say such things as “How is the job hunt going,” or “Did you have any interviews this week?” Then, they will also ask you why you picked such a useless major. “I don’t know why you have a Master’s degree in ancient roman philosophy. You should have majored in civil engineering; I bet ALL the civil engineering majors have found jobs by now,” they will say. But keep at it: if you’re lucky, you will find a job within a couple weeks, but if you are like most people, it will take you several months. Of course, with that Master’s in ancient roman philosophy, you can get a sweet job as an administrative assistant to THE MAN. That is, of course, if you can also speak 5 languages and type 300 words per minute.

Once you have landed your cushy job with THE MAN, you start to think how great it is to be earning a ton of money. I mean, you’re living with the ‘rents and you don’t have to pay them a dime in rent, so you feel like you are the richest buster on the block. Then, you get a reality check: your parents are giving you one month to get the heck out of their house. So, what do you do? You scramble to find some friend who is also just out of college whose parents are kicking them out, and you say, “Dude, we should move in together.” You and your friend go apartment hunting, and that’s when you realize that you aren’t the richest buster on the block, you’re just a buster. So, you finally find some two-bedroom, 1-bathroom rathole on the seedy side of town that you can afford. Shortly thereafter, you and your best friend (who has a doctorate in civil discourse and works as a bank teller) move out. You are totally on your way!

Oh yes, the first year after college can be great fun…so many changes, so many reality checks. This is only part one in my continuing series on life as a grownup. Being a single young adult has its upsides and its downsides, and of course, I am going to share some of mine with you. Perhaps you will be able to relate to some of these experiences, and maybe even learn something. I hope you will continue reading and enjoy, because I am SO qualified for this. Trust me; I’m an accountant with a psychology degree.